This post was originally published on 2/8/25 and it is semi-autobiographical, very early in my blogging days and the writing isn’t great.
Into the Abyss: Episode 1 – The Fall
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by
Episode 1: The Fall
The wind whistles past my ears as I plummet headfirst toward the earth, my body cutting through the crisp mountain air like an arrow. The jagged rocks below grow larger with each passing second, their sharp edges becoming more defined, more menacing. I try to calculate how much time I have left – perhaps thirty seconds? Twenty? Math seems pointless now.
It’s strange how clarity comes in these moments. The morning sun catches the granite walls of the gorge, painting them in shades of amber and gold. Beautiful, really. I never noticed how many colors could exist in simple stone before. Then again, I never took the time to really look.
My mind drifts to Tammy, my first wife. I wonder if she’ll hear about this. Will she feel anything? Probably not. Twelve weeks at sea in a steel tube beneath the waves was enough time for her to forget about me, to create a new life – quite literally – with someone else. The memory still stings, but less than it used to. Funny how moments like this puts old wounds into perspective.
The rocks are closer now. I can make out individual cracks and fissures in their surface. Nature’s roadmap to nowhere. Or maybe somewhere. I guess I’ll find out soon enough. My heart should be racing, but instead, I feel an odd sense of calm. Is this what acceptance feels like? The peace that comes with finally letting go?
I think of the submarine, of the endless days spent under fluorescent lights, recycled air filling my lungs as we patrolled the depths. Back then, I thought I understood what it meant to fall into darkness. I was wrong. This – this free fall into the abyss – this is what it truly means to surrender to the void.
The wind is louder now, screaming past my ears like a banshee’s wail. My eyes are watering, but I force them to stay open. If these are my final moments, I want to see them clearly. No more hiding. No more running. No more pretending that the darkness inside me doesn’t exist.
I think of my family, of the faces I may never see again. The guilt rises in my throat like bile. They deserved better than this. Better than me. But isn’t that always the way? We realize what matters most only when it’s too late to change course.
The ground rushes up to meet me, the rocky surface now so close I could almost reach out and touch it. Time seems to slow, each second stretching into eternity. In these final moments, a strange thought occurs to me: I’ve never felt more alive than I do right now.
I close my eyes and wait for the impact.
This will all be over soon.
*To be continued…*
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Author’s Note: Thank you for reading Episode 1 of “Into the Abyss.” New episodes will be posted regularly. Your support means the world to me as I share this journey.
Mark Fraidenburg | Author 
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